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December 14th 
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John: 
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are
just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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December 17th 
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You’re
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get
on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John: 
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE
STOP!
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20th
John: 
What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house
and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I
can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with
the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds
and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows.
There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my
own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Butthead: 
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder
they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started
a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Dick: 
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call
those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner
of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police
on you. They know where you are.
One who means it,
Ag
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December 24th
Listen, Doormat: 
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never
walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows.
All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death
in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister
at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to
shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant
for your arrest.
Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
Attorneys at Law
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CHECK OUT the exact cost of the 12 Days of Christmas
(not including legal fees)
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