Girl with Angry Boyfriend Who's Abusive then Sorry

What to do About an Angry Boyfriend?

Dr. TRuth,

I don't know what to do about my boyfriend of 14 month.

When I first met him he was so loving and kind and we never argued... but in the last 8 months we have been arguing a lot..this is due to him having personal problems leading way back to his childhood to do with his father.

Every time he gets in his moods he turns nasty and abuses everyone, including me for no reason, then we start arguing and he calls me names, etc... then he calls me and apologizes saying that he didn't mean to say those nasty things to me and that he loves me alot and is scared he's going to lose me.

At the moment we're spending time apart, we haven't spoken for 10 days as everyone says he needs space and to think about what he's done to me... His mom says he's still very confused and unsure about himself but he still cares about me a lot and is missing me... He's told his Mom that he's scared if he contacts me I will hang up or not answer the phone but when I call him to talk things over he either hangs up in my ear or doesn't answer the phone. It's very frustrating and hurting me inside.

His mom says to me just let him be and give him space to sort himself out and when he's ready to talk he will ring me...She doesn't want us to break up either and she reckons not to ring him and let him come after me as I've done everything I can do...

He came by my house last Friday to talk to me but I was still asleep so I didn't end up speaking to him and now he says he's confused again and doesn't know what to do still..

Can you please give me some advice as I want our relationship to work out.

Regards,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I know how hard this is...and you intellectually seem to understand that your boyfriend has had experiences during his childhood that have fostered a pattern of abuse that he has carried into his relationship with you. What happens in situations like this is that when he gets close to you, he starts to reenact the abusive patterning he experienced when he was young. He may not even know he is doing it and may even be unaware of the situations which trigger his anger.

Part of the problem is that once his anger starts, he really is unable to control it until it runs its course and that is often a very unpleasant situation for anyone in a close relationship with an abusive person.

As hard as this may be, please know that without psychological help and intervention, he will not change. He has already hurt you with his emotional flip flopping and he will continue to do so.

There may be times when he comes close to you and it feels very loving but trust me, they will not last and he will snap, withdraw and continue the destructive behavior.

You may love him very much but this is an emotionally dangerous situation for you. You do not want to get trapped in this cycle which so many women who are with abusers find themselves....always living in fear or walking on eggshells because they are scared something is going to set their partner into some kind of rage.

My advice is to get out of this relationship....unless he goes into some kind of treatment, he will not get better on his own...in fact, he will probably get worse. There is a lot of written material on abuse on the Internet now and I suggest you do some reading to educate yourself on this subject. You may even share some of this with your boyfriend if he is not already aware of how destructive his actions are.

Further, in my experience, anyone who stays with an abuser for any period of time suffers from a significant loss of self esteem because they have learned to live with someone abusing them...eventually, they start to believe they deserve that kind of treatment.

There is no good that can come from this. Please protect yourself and have the courage to let go and ask for something better for yourself. No one should have to put up with this kind of behavior. We all deserve to be with people that a kind, loving, consistent and thoughtful. We all deserve to be honored and treated well.

If that is not happening for you, then this is something you need to get away from. Trust that you will be able to break away and to end this cycle in your own life.

Good luck, and thanks for your letter.

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