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Jealousy is Ruining My Relationship!
Dr. TRuth,
Help!
Jealousy is ruining my relationship! I don't even know what's real anymore.
I am 35 years old and my husband is 38. He is a very handsome and successful attorney in a downtown law firm. He meets competent and attractive professional women every day in his work environment; frequently this involves lunches and/or dinners with clients and colleagues. He often gets phone calls at home from women, presumably regarding his professional life.
We have two children, ages 6 and 8. I do not work outside the home at present but have taught elementary school. While my husband has given me no real reason to suspect him, I find myself obsessing constantly about the possibility of his meeting and falling in love with someone eose.
I fly into a range if he even mentions another woman, much less casually glances at one. This has caused him to withdraw emotionally and has really eroded our relationship. He seems to feel ill-at-ease around me and things are getting strained. I know I am wrong to hound him like this, but I can't seem to control my feelings.
'The green-eyed monster"
Dear Green-Eyed,
Unfortunately for all intimate relationships, the opportunity for envy is everywhere, and it would be hard to think of anything more destructive than to constantly worry about our loved ones yearning to be with anyone other than ourselves.
We meet attractive members of the opposite sex throughout our lives and being married is not a guarantee that attraction will not occur.
However, to fret that each such meeting is more than a friendly encounter would be enough to drive one mad. Think of Othello, Shakespeare's prototypical jealous lover. He let suggestion and innuendo destroy a blameless Desdemona and lost the love of his life in the process.
Since you state that your husband has given you no actual reason to be concerned, why drive him away with your doubts?
I can only conclude that it is your own insecurity which causes your misery. Perhaps you no longer feel as attractive or interesting as the women your husband meets professionally. Perhaps your sense of yourself as a
vital and intelligent woman has ebbed since you relinquished your career and that it is actually these women's lives tthat it is actually these women's lives that you envy rather than your husband's interaction with them.
The answer to your feeling lies within your own beliefs about how lovable, how important, and how interesting you feel you are, with or without a career.
The self-doubt you project onto your husband through our jealousy reflects your own flagging self-esteem more than your husband's behavior.
I suggest you examine your level of self-worth at the present time. Do what it takes to build yourself back up to the confidence level you had when the two of you fell in love. Guess what! It will happen again!
Dr. TRuth
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Relationship advice, love advice and free advice from a therapist for people who write letters asking for help with personal problems, boyfriends, girlfriends and more
issues with relationships. Letter from a woman who believes her jealousy is wrecking her marriage. She's angry with her husband and jealous of women that he works with and talks
with professionally.
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