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Relationship Advice from Dr. TRuth |
Dear Dr. TRuth,
I
have a girlfriend that I
have been dating for 5 months now. She lives in
another city, and as I am
only 16, it creates a problem with travel back and
forth, but sometimes we
really like that, because sometimes we need our
space.
But you see (I feel
horrible saying this), but a lot of the time, I am
not attracted to her
physically. She is overweight. Sometimes it doesn't
matter, but sometimes it
really hits me.
But personality-wise, she is the
most amazing girl I have ever
met in my entire life. We connect 24/7 all the time.
We almost broke up just a
few weeks ago, so we are kinda "starting over."
But
I don't know quite why I
got back together with her because beforehand, I
was having real big doubts
about us.
And so sometimes I think I just got back
together with her because
she was close to suicide when we broke up, and I
didn't want her to do
anything stupid like that.
I know it was a little
bit of guilt in that factor,
but I honestly never wanted to hurt her, but
sometimes I want the relationship
to end.
I am ALWAYS within indecision! I just
can't figure out my
emotions.
I don't know if I really do love her, or
not. I've heard that if
there are doubts, it usually means no, but I am so
afraid of having regret if
we break up (Because there would be no possibility
of connecting again in the
future.)
Now... There is another girl. An ex from
awhile ago. She is very
attractive, and she just seems less serious and high
strung. I know I want
something less serious (as my current girlfriend is
VERY serious about this
relationship.)
I don't think I can handle such a
serious relationship with my
gf, but sometimes I don't mind. But to her (my current
gf) it is LITERALLY life
or death with this relationship. She has said
honestly that she'd run away
with me should I ever want to. But I just cannot say
that back to her.
I can't
drop my life for her. But this second attraction
doesn't seem too serious. I
know I need to figure out stuff my current gf first,
and my feelings too. But
with all this confusion, how the heck do I sort out
my own feelings?
I don't
know how to. I will never cheat on my current
girlfriend, but again, there is
still this other girl that I may be attracted to
(both personality-wise and
physically.)
Sheesh... I have written a long letter,
and I REALLY need help!
I've asked friends, but it just doesn't help me.
-lost and confused
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Dear Lost and Confused,
First, let me say that
at sixteen you are in no way ready for this commitment
nor are you ready for the guilt she is laying on you.
Second, this girl has you hooked in a way that makes
you feel like a prisoner. You don't know whether you
love her because your feelings are so intermingled
with guilt and a sense of responsibility toward her.
She does sound a bit unstable ( i.e., using emotional
threats to keep you there) and this makes me think
that you are in this relationship for the wrong
reasons.
Third, you kind of like someone else and at
your age that is completely normal. You should want to
experiment and see what else is out there for you.
I know you are frightened that if you are honest with
your current girlfriend that the relationship will be
over but on the other hand, if you are not able to be
honest, you don't have a real relationship anyway.
It might help to be truthful: this means telling her that
you do love her but can't handle this massive
commitment so early in your life!
This would be healthy and wise and if she is able to have a
boyfriend instead of an emotional slave, she should be
able to handle this.
If she can't, and keeps you
there by threats, she probably needs a kind of therapy
which you can't give her.
Good luck in this. I know it's a tough situation.
Sincerely,
Dr. TRuth
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